Oh... My Goodness.... This has been a long day. Well, at least it was productive. Spent all day reading related literature and trying to compose sentences for our paper. Mao and I were so into it that we ended up having lunch 'round 3pm. It almost didn't feel my hunger. This partnership isn't just perfect for my thesis, but for my weight-loss issues as well We saw Thet and Andrea and we told them of our little partnership. Now they're contemplating whether or not to do the same. It really is more motivating, and more assuring to have someone work with you. Two heads are better than one indeed. All of our ideas for the paper were formulated by our two separate ideas. It's just great. We both feel very much optimistic actually. Since the beginning of the week, I have been taking the longer route home just so i can spend the ride towards the bus terminal with Mao. Most of our jeepney rides were uneventful expect for today. TODAY, my goodness, there was this passenger who was drunk and vomited. not onece but numerous times of sudden spurts of orange junk from his mouth. it was just so disgusting! We couldn't help but look. UGH. I was just so glad to have gotten off that jeepney and onto the bus bound for Mamplasan. I found out today too that the bus i was on was the last trip for the mamplasan exit. So, I guess i can't go home any later then 5 now. But actually i can take the one bound for Balibago anyway. So the Mamplasan bus took me to pavilion mall and so i did a little window shopping because i am so running out of clothes for school. unfortunately, i came home empty handed. There was this sale on Bizarre and there was one design that was actually wearable, unfortunately they only come in this one size fits NOT all. It was so tight on me. An i really did feel disappointed seeing as it's only for 75 pesos! As for the rest of the stores, they had at least 1 shirt that held my interest, unfortunatley, I am so not going to spent 399, 280, 150 on a shirt right now. Well, 150 would've done the trick for the shirt i saw in freeway. I liked it. but 399's too much. Seeing as I intend on buying more than 1. 3 to 5 maybe? grrr... i didn't realize that uniforms were made for a reason. Well, when i got home, I - for some reason - went through my old wallet and my old junk. I have no idea what compelled me to do so, seeing as I have better things I could've spent my time on, but there I was.. sorting through old J-U-N-K. And then i saw Nesel's gift on my 18th birthday, And I ended up singing our old song over and over and over again. and i hate it. I just HAD to mention it. I can not be hung0up can i? not after four years. right? right?! Now, i am in front of my lptop trying to write the way i used to write. But reading this entire entry, i guess i'd have to say that - NO. i still write in paragraphs tht have no sense of connection whatsoever to each other. SIGH. Oh well, I've got time to get my magic back.

Yeah, so I was supposed to go to school today, but instead I ended up being on facebook all day. I hate the frikkin' transport Strike. But at least I got to rest, right?

supposedly, yesterday was my RnR day, so that i wouldn't be too tired and lazy come Monday morning. But bizarrely, my mom asked my sister and me to come tag along to her little party at this new comedy bar. Honestly, I wouldn't have minded not going, but I thought it would be fun, even if there wouldn't be any young-uns. At least i get to go out and eat out :D yeah, yeah.. i'm a sucker for a free meal. LOL Good thing one of my mom's old classmates bought along their 2.. offspring. Hmm, i was gonna say children.. then kids... but hey, the dude's 23, the girls 20. so.. yeh.

It was fun. The comedy wasn't my kind of comedy, seeing as it is GREEN jokes thrown all around. trsut me, hearing green jokes with your momma across the room.... not exactly a motivation to laugh yer heart out, right?

But I guess it helped that I made new friends, whom i added on to facebook just this morning. LOL I just might be addicted to facebook! And the dude was a-okay hotness. :D

ON OTHER THINGS, as I mentioned I was stuck at home all day today. It's a little annoying seeing as I really wouldn't wanna cram. I need this thesis done and over with, and staying at home today made me feel like I lost an entire day of productivity. But i dunno, i guess my body needs this rest as well.

BTW, i miss old blogdrive's editor. I used to like, color words and stuff.. now i can't do that anymore. HATE IT. It looks like a part of me was taken away. really.

I had a long day. I woke up late to another one of those weird hangovers i get. You know, the ones that isn't exactly a hangover but you don't exactly feel a-okay? so its somewhere in the middle? yeah. that. Add in the fact that my emotional self isn't feeling a-okay as well. like it has a weird hang over all on its own.

Emotional hangover, would be like, being hung-up on the relationship, being left behind and facing the shock of having to live the coming days without him. If that is an emotional hangover then what I am experiencing is definitely not an emotional hangover. just maybe, somewhere in between too.

It's like, after seeing Nesel yesterday, I just can't help but think about him and what we used to have a WHOLE LOT. like, hello, I am blogging here all over again, right? I am checking my Ym friends list to see if he is online, I went to my tagboard and when i read - at the bottom of the pile - old messages passed to and fro, re-read them all over again, just to prove that, yes we did have something once upon a time. Like reading his old messages would make the past relationship real. It has been so long ago that sometimes, i feel like I am mistaken. that the relationship was just a dream, that he didnt really love me.

and the annoying thing here is WHY? why do i care so much?! all's been said and done. he told me to trust him. trust him that by laying low on the relationship, we are actually fixing it. That by communicating less, it is better for us. I trusted him and what happened? We lay lowed until we laid the lowest low and did not communicate at all. Maybe that was what he was planning all along.. That we make our communication less and less until we just drift apart. break up without the agonizing pain.

well, guess what?! looks like i'm feeling the pain now. four fucking years later.

and if you are, by some miracle of God reading this, I just want you to know that you are my first serious relationship, my first kiss, my first everything.. so far (yes, even now) and even though I don't understand what happened to us, or maybe i just cant remember, you will always be special. I know I wasn't perfect, but i hope I made you happy. that when you look back, you would smile at the thought of me.

I dunno what I feel anymore. So, i said i moved away from this blog into this new blog that I have been writing on, but not everyday like the way i used to with this one, and here I am, back to my old ranting self and to my old blogdrive blog. I guess it has something to do with the fact that I saw NESEL again last night and i was overwhelmed with nostalgia and I ended up reading this blog from the latest entries to god knows what page, and realized two things.

1. I like the way i used to write. Unlike in my new blog where i keep myself from expressing my emotions on a subjective level and always wants my entries to sound poetic so as to remove the personal feel, in THIS blog I talk how i want to what i want to and i just don't give a damn. AND I MISS THAT.not giving a damn and just ranting.

2. You cannot run away from the past. It has a sneaky way of bumping into you and you feel unexpected feelings towrds what used to be. I cannot abandon this blog. I JUST CANT. I have been on several hiatuses and every single time, i return. This is my domain. these are me memories. And though I really wanted to leave all the shit behind, I also have laughter and fun, and I just realized, I cannot leave all those behind.

I therefore conclude that this is my ranting blog. better to be honest because since i announced that i moved, no one will be reading this. no one that i personally know, so better, I can just rant into the air.

find me at aikafrancesca.blogspot.com

i know, i know.. this is my first ever blog and i did have the feeling of not having the heart to leave it. BUT this blog just has too much. I need a change. 2006 was bad, 2007 was worse, good thing 2008 wasn't the worst. it was just NUMB.

I don't know, maybe that was worst. I mean. what can be worse than NUMBNESS?

I need a change.

I am done impressing others.
I am done proving my worth to others.
I am done pleasing others.

It's my time.

no masks, no pseudonyms. It's me. It's all i have to offer.
Me and my complicated simplicity.

aikafrancesca.

It was like a scene from the many movies that have stolen my heart. The kind of scene that make you believe in destiny, soulmates.. the kind that made me expect the perfect prince to come sweep me off my feet.

For a couple of hours - the world stopped. All went dark and there was just you and me. The rest of the world blocked out, and nothing else mattered. I remembered how it felt like to be the only girl you see. The only girl that mattered.
For a couple of hours, everything was like it once was, like nothing ever changed. You hold my hand, I hug you tight. The fighting and the bickering, the teasing and the laughing, no matter how childish were our ways of affection.
For a couple of hours we forgot the problems we have left with the light. We made echoes shouting hello, we scared each other with non-existent ghosts, we had imaginary audiences, play pretend like children.
For a couple of hours - that seemed to go on forever, but was never enough - just a couple of hours and the lights went back on. The harsh light that did not conceal the fact that we are no longer together, that we are going separate ways, that this day might be the last day that we have together.

It has always been our special place. I just never expected that the place where we first met could be the place where we could last be together. A massive hall that you seem to fill up once you enter; like you're the only one i can see. A hall no matter how huge would only contain you.

The lights went on and i know sooner or later, I know were gonna have to leave. Once we step out, we'd be leaving this magical place where the world stops, and the possibilities are endless. Its now or never. And like in the many plays that i have starred: Center stage; with an act that i have never done before: let's give them something to watch.

    A lot can happen in 525,600 minutes, 365 days. In a whole year, a dream can disappear, a life plan may change, a love may wane.
    I never expected to love, to get hurt, to put my entire life on hold for someone elses. I never expected to become less of who i am, thinking i've gained more. I never expected tosacrifice anything, be willing to give everything for someone who never gave me anything in return. I never expected to become someone's safety net, soneone's spare tire. I never expected to get hung-up.
    Another 365 days are ahead of me. Another year of unexpected twists and turns. Another chance to turn my head away. And though i know my heart will remain, i hope this time, i'd realize that he's no good for me. The he never - not then, not now - gave me anything. That we can never be "just friends".
   
    I love him. But he has never, or ever will love me this much.

    I checked the clock, its nine in the morning. Too early for me to be pissed off. But i couldn't help it. I just went out and amidst the trees i screamed it out. And then went about my day.

    I've got the sniffles since yesterday afterschool
    I had to decline going out with someone because of it.
    I woke up 7 in the morning to my mother ranting. (and i don't have classes)
    I only had coffee for breakfast.
    I was too pissed off for lunch (thus having omelet for lunch)
    I was tasked to do the laundry.
    I had a paper due tomorrow and i HAVE to finish it today.

    I actually just finished working on the paper. I asked Hanna to come over though its a bit late. And so as i was walking home alone after walking hanna out of our street; i looked up at the skies and realized that i am pissed of since yesterday afternoon NOT because

    I've got the sniffles since yesterday afterschool
    I had to decline going out with someone because of it.
    I woke up 7 in the morning to my mother ranting. (and i don't have classes)
    I only had coffee for breakfast.
    I was too pissed off for lunch (thus having omelet for lunch)
    I was tasked to do the laundry.
    I had a paper due tomorrow and i HAVE to finish it today.

    But because -
   

    So i spent today working on that Mental Status Examination thingy that we have due on January 9th. Teachers can be such slave drivers. Imagine giving work for the Holidays. As if we'd even get to that, so obviously everyone resorted to cramming. My group was no exeption. At least I'm glad I've only got one subject this semester, at least i can cram and not feel like a crammer at all.
    Only one subject this semester. One solitary three unit course and after this my Academic duties are done. After this there would no longer be tests, no more projects, no more group works; just the long, agonizing, and trecherous road of thesis. Just when you think you're over the hurdle.. you see yourself by a pit you have to jump across - no other means but your body stretching into unbelievable proportions and lifting from the ground to the other side. shit.
    I talked to Hanna.. Actually i just told her a sentence and she cut me off telling me i was being crazy just thinking of it. I just said that i don't feel like finishing this degree. It's like, i'd rather start all over again with something else, somewhere else rather than force myself to remain in this Istitution of Torture. But i can't tell my parents, They'd be so disappointed.. and besides i know they;d just force me to finish it AND THEN get another degree if i still wanted it. But thats just the thing. I dont think I'd be able to get out of this degree. I am not certain that i'll finish it.

    What is the point? I no longer upload pictures to my multiply account. I just don't see the point in doing so. My sister uploads every single events pictures, like, a day after the event happened. And by the time i come around to uploading to my profile, there are very little people coming to my site to view and comment, simply because people have seen everything already. through my sister.
    So, last week events pictures are already posted, and i have seen them online. Yes, i havent previously viewed them before they became posted worldwide, and i have to say: MY PICTURES SUCK. I hated them. I have got no decent pictire from Christmas or New years! I can't believe it. That is why, my friends, my facebook profile picture isnt from any of them events. Grr.. I really do hate it.
    This is really not a good way to start the year. I am being all PMS-y. I spent my first 2008 night crying myself to sleep. All alone with no one to talk to or anything. I am feeling a bit depressed all over again because i saw my planner and it still showed March 16 as the day i am to graduate. It is depressing, and i don't want to be that girl anymore. I don't want to fall into this shithole i am just on the verge of getting out of. But i can't help it. I have to face everyday without a plan in my pocket - i am not used to that, and it is making me really sad.
    Last night as i was being all emo and stuff, i kind of looked back on everything and i remember how bad 2006 was for me and how i desperately wanted it to end. 2007 was worse and i was so pessimistic last night that i said to myself "What if things don't get better? What if everything would just end up being from bad to worse to worst until i cant take it anymore and I'd really have to kill myslef just to not feel it?!" And i scared myself.
    And i can't even remember where all this began. I used to be a very happy individual. I used to be confident and friendly and fun. And now - I am not any pof those things anymore. I'm just a blank.